A Disappointingly Short Post
The only waves I hate
And PTSD rears its head again. Well, it looks like my post is going to have to be a short one. There is far too much to say about this condition I had severely underestimated… Until I began suffering from it. It exposed itself as something so severely debilitating, I was shocked that they never spoke about it more during psychiatry rotations in medical school. As per medication, there is no medication for this. I remember my textbook suggesting Zolpidem (the most popular sleeping tablet) for 10 days after the traumatic incident. There was even a slight “what the f***” about this at the time but they did have the good graces to let the learner know that therapy should be considered. “Considered” is not the word I would use here. It is something you need to throw yourself at so hard, that injuries may be sustained. Over the time I would like to be writing here, there will be much I will be saying about this topic. My PTSD. The difficulties of getting treatment with finances taken into in account. Different kinds of therapy. Panic. Dissociation. I will be addressing all of these things, most likely all in separate posts. Today, I unfortunately cannot write, although I so dearly wanted to.
But unfortunately, yesterday I was hit with my nemesis. Waves of fear. They hit me like tidal waves of terror. Timing? Unpredictable. Cause? Nothing I can think of or name. What do I do? Brace. As each wave hits, I brace myself against it using extreme amounts of mental energy. Somehow this tactic can stop me slipping into a panic attack. When I “brace”, my body tenses as if I am actually bracing for something physical which is about to collide with me. If I stop bracing, I can feel a panic attack rising, and this is something I avoid at all costs. By the end of the day, the fear has usually exhausted itself. Additionally, I too am exhausted which means (thank your chosen deity) that I can sleep. On the first day this phenomenon hits, I am paralyzed by terror and bedbound. The second, it begins to ease but not enough for normal functioning. By about the fourth, I can pick up a laptop and write. Today is day two. Hence, this writing is not exactly up to scratch and I will have to stop soon.
PTSD. Today, as I brace, I wanted to say something. All I can say is the above. And not forget the song of the day. Don’t worry, it’s safe, lovely and fear-free.
